My Goodbye

So, tonight I am blogging. I could barely remember my password and I am typing to no one, but somehow, some way, I need an outlet. I was recently thinking about the title for my blog originally, and I guess I did need pimentos. Vincent, aka my pimento, came into this world not too long ago and has been the ultimate distraction from what has been consuming me since late last year.

For several months, I have been struggling with the slow decline of my best friend--my Dad. Tonight I received the news that he is in renal failure. His body has been betraying him since last November, when he took a fall. He hasn't been the same since. I guess I am writing because I need a release, and that with a couple of glasses of Merlot has led me here. I could have never imagined how difficult it would be to say goodbye. I could have never imagined that there would be days that my first love would not remember my face or even that I would have the courage to endure life's horrid events.

As lame as it sounds, I keep hearing George O'Maley from that Anatomy show saying that he was now a member of the No Dad's Club. I have been dreading that moment for a very long time. I remember thinking that if he could just be around until I was 24 that I would be ready to let go. Friends continue to encourage me to go and say my goodbyes before it is too late. I have to say that I am lucky enough to not have the need to say goodbye. There is nothing that I could say now, either for him or for myself that would either relieve my pain or save me from regrets in the future. I am lucky enough to say that we had the kind of relationship that was spoken and lived. He knew how I felt about him and me likewise. He was my rock. He was my constant reminder not to sweat the small stuff, and he always had a way of putting things in perspective, as only he could. I guess 88 years could do that to a person. As I was telling Damon tonight I suppose my only regret would be that he never had the chance to hold my son. Someone once told me that he knew him. He touched my pregnant belly and felt his movement, his life. I will hold onto that thought and know that his love is with me and with my Vincent.